Thursday, September 07, 2006

Bob Hughes continued

MrLefty said...

Timboy - is this friend of yours an older gentleman? Is he somewhat portly? Does he wear a neck-brace? Do you feel uncomfortable when a passenger in his car?Is he in fact the actual Robert Hughes?I feel your first priority should be to rule out this frightening possibility.

Dear Mr Lefty

He isn't old and nor does he brace his neck, but he drives like an old lady going to bowls and is getting a bit portly (too many exhibitions, opening nights, red wine and cheese).

I don't think my friend is Robert Hughes, although sometimes I wonder if I’m communicating with him, or Robert Hughes via ESP.

This has me worried because when I think Robert Hughes, I think Tory cum rag.

Will my mate start befriending know-it-all artswanker types like Christopher Hitchens and Philip Adams?

Will I be forced to bluff my way through hours upon hours or artswank dinner party banter?

How many boobies and how much jagemeister will it take to knock the artswanker out of him?

If I combine the boobies with jagemeister Bob log style will the treatment be more effective?

Where do I find volunteers for this boob-jagey treatment?

Have I asked too many questions?

Can i get away with it?

Ms Fits

1. Your friend will most definitely befriend know-it-all artswanker types as they are now his 'people' and as everyone knows we gravitate towards the folk who remind us most of ourselves. This is why I am now surrounded by short women with an attitude problem who like to 'entertain' after a couple of sherberts.

2. Yes, but bluffing is a fairly easy profession when it all comes down to it. A lot of nodding and the word 'yah', followed by the grand proclamation 'well, Ron Radford tends to feel the Archibald is a circus, which I can't help but agree with', ending with a vehement waving around of your champagne flute and perhaps a short, sharply mocking laugh. You will be wonderful.

3. It's hard to tell exactly without meeting your friend, but I'd say he needs at least 8.3 pairs of boobies and seventeen shots of Jager. Give or take a boob or two.

4. OMFG BOOB SHOT. I insist that this become a newfound Melbourne tradition. At the very least it will provide us with an endlessly entertaining parade of women attempting to poke their nipple into the somewhat restrictive circumference of a shot glass.

5. Pony, 6am Sunday morning.

6. Not at all. I am here to help.


Some assistance from the lovely sublime, anyhow:

sublime-ation said...

Dear timboy,I can write you a short guide on how to deal with art wankers. You can treat it like a sport, if that makes you more comfortable.

btw, where do you find volunteers for boob jagey treatment?

Tell any girls in the near vicinity that you are an artist. Artists do that shit all the time.

Gabi has a big sign in her bedroom saying WE ARE ARTISTS. We like to take it to the airport in order to embarrass our international guests when they arrive in town.


Blogger Judda said...

Timbo, I volunteer to take up this just cause. I cannot volunteer boobies however... And yes, I agree Pony is a good place to start, last time I was there I ran into two young ladies removing their shirts to passers by, on the agreement their actions were reciprocated. I feel a shot of Jager would go a long way to closing the deal with such patrons.

11:39 PM  

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